The unimaginative babe

8.00 a.m.: I wake up. It’s a “holiday”. Well, the day cannot be called a “holiday”. Who wakes up at 8.00 a.m. on a “holiday”? A normal person doesn’t wake up before 10.00a.m on a “holiday”. It’s a preparatory leave. The word “leave” sounds vibrant, but the word “preparatory” drains all the indefatigable energy. A preparatory leave is supposed to be to study and prepare. But honestly I don’t prefer waking up at 8 when I have waking up at 10 as an alternative. Unfortunately exams force us hapless students to sacrifice our beauty sleep for marks.

Sleep feels like an endangered animal, a critically endangered one. My panda (sleep) has reduced from a 100% of 10 hours to 60% of 6 hours. My exam score harms my sleep marks!

8.10 a.m.: My thoughts fluctuate towards how exams harm us students. We are all Alok Naths before exams, but turn into Gutthis and Dr Mashoor Gulati from Kapil’s Show after exams. I seriously consider looking for mental asylums, to escape from these hoodoo exams. I feel like the victims of the Conjuring movie and exams are Bathsheba. The exams are removed from our lives by an exorcism i.e. sleep sacrifice. I am seriously sick of exams.

9.30 a.m.: Maa tells me that a relative is coming over. I express my happiness by some exclamations.

11.00 a.m.: The relative (lets name her Relative A ) enters. She immediately reminds me of Miss A from the Kaali Maata Ki Jai Ho incident. Her glowing and pimple-less face reminds me of a peeled and boiled potato. Her face has a golden glow without any patches. I’m sure she spends a lot of bucks at the beauty parlor. She has one of those typical wedge-like heels slippers (which I hate). Her bright yellow silk saree is a bit too flashy and doesn’t suit her age. The amount of ornaments on her body might be equivalent to the weight of a Sumo wrestler. Her face is filled with a bright pink blush and a bright red lipstick with a very thick layer of eyeliner and a bright blue eyeshadow. Those colors don’t even go together! I think she seriously needs to alter her fashion sense and make it more age-appropriate. 

11.05a.m.: Relative A starts telling me about my short hair, pair of  shorts, big height. She tells me to go and get some chai  for her.

I tell her I need to study for my exam, and escape.

1.30 p.m.: Its lunch time. I come for lunch. Relative A tells me to get some rotis for her. I obediently obey and get her some rotis. Then she tells me that exams will keep coming, but opportunities to serve the family and do household work rarely come. I backfire.

I tell her the following:

·       Thank you caring for me. But please just mind your own business for a while.

·       I have dreams for my future, and serving the family isn’t even on the cards.

·       Exams take me towards my dreams.

·       Even I hate exams, but washing utensils and jhaadu-pocha isn't any better.

·       If you would have taken your exams seriously, you would have got a slightly more common sense and would have known that the struggle for Women’s rights has started.

She gives the “haww” expression. Her red lipstick spreads and just adds more to her overall untidy and shabby appearance. She doesn’t notice and concentrates on her food as if nothing happened. I use the Rancho (3 idiots) technique getting to know prices.I deliberately spill some food on her saree. She tells me that it’s a 10,000 bucks saree.10,000 bucks for this saree! I wouldn’t give a paisa for it! Thankfully, she leaves soon. I study.

Dear exam,

Exams are driving me so crazy that I am writing a letter to exam to get over my frustration.

Dear Exam,

                   This is to inform you that you need to die soon. I wish I was one of the Gods who could give you a shrap* and condemn you to hell. I’d love to make your pakodas** and fry you in hot oil. I hate you. You are the most frustrating, merciless, irritating thing I have come across (after the scrappy sister). You are worse than Hitler, Gabbar, Mogambo,Kancha Cheena,Shakaal, Rafal and Voldemort. All students hate you dude! Don’t you feel ashamed? Go into hiding!

You are like trial by fire. You are like the horrible movie Happy New Year. You are like a saas*** and we are the bahus****. If we students find you some day, you will be murdered brutally. I am giving you useful advice, hide somewhere and leave us alone.  You live your life and let us live ours.

I just want to ask you these questions:

• ·       Do you want to study about the latitudinal extent of the non-existing Lilliput island?
• ·       Do you want to study for 10 hours a day?
• ·       Do you want to study 4 and 3 subdivisions of 2 subjects and mix them up in your head?
• ·       Do you want to sacrifice your favorite “Torture” show for yourself?
• ·       Do you want only an hour's sleep a day?
• ·       Do you want to dance and look like a psychopathic patient affected by you?
• ·       Do you want to sing exam anthems?

I am sure the answer must be no. Just accept the fact that nobody likes you and just get a spaceship and run away to Mars!

Run or die.

Tortured and sick of you,

Aastha

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*shrap- curse

**pakodas- a fried indian delicacy

***saas-mother-in-law

****bahu- daughter-in-law

The Exam Anthems

Exams are the most horrible moments in a student’s life. They make us feel like we are about to vomit. On the other hand, everyone loves music. It is a relief from the typical exam timetable. So whenever you feel frustrated, turn to these songs to express your stress. These are the “exam anthems”:

1)   Ratta maar: This means ‘mugging up’ all the exam information. This song from ‘Student of the Year’ tells the way a student learns his/her chapters. ‘Ratta maarke’ we learn the chapters for the sake of exams. But it leaves our mind the moment after exams.

2)   Pareshaan: The chorus of this song where ‘pareshaan’ means ‘worry’ is synonymous with a student’ mind during exams. We are ‘pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan’. Pareshaan is THE word for our plight during exams.

3)   Pyaar hume kis mod pe le aaya: (Just replace pyaar with exams) So this song is applicable during exams. Our heart goes “haaye” and we are like ’koi ye bataye’ (tell me the answer!) when we see the question paper. When I see a question paper and I don’t know an answer, this song echoes in my head.

4)   Tadap tadap (Just replace pyaar with exam,again) Our heart says ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ and exam feels like a ‘saza’ (punishment). It feels as if we have done some ‘gunah’ (crime) and exams steal all our relief. It feels like we have done a crime in our past life and are paying for our sins.

5)   Ye dosti hum nahi todenge: (we won’t break this friendship). This song deals with the eternal, immortal and (unfortunately) never-ending friendship of tension and exams.

So these are my ‘exam anthems’. Hope you enjoy singing them. 

   

The Superheroes

I know I am late and I apologize. Exams just don’t seem to end. So this week I will post 2 entries.I had the honor of presenting a speech written by me on this occasion. So this is that speech with some extra jokes:

“A teacher is a doctor who heals ignorance and an artist who inspires creativity.” This holds true for all our lovely teachers.On this special occasion of Teacher’s day, I would be giving an introductory speech on the most important people in our lives – our teachers.

When I was asked to write this speech, I started thinking of ways in which I could make this speech unique, interesting and memorable. We all know that Teacher’s day is celebrated in remembrance of the remarkable teacher Dr Sarvapalli Radhakrishnan. We all know that this day is his birthday. But we forget that it is also a day to celebrate Gods and Goddesses called teachers. That is what I am going to talk about today. This speech is an explosion of my lava-like-views about our beautiful teachers. It is a beautiful fabric of threads called ideas.

Teachers are parents not bound by blood; they are storytellers of stories called subjects. Their knowledge is like a vast ocean. Their knowledge is like never-ending saas bahu* shows which go on forever. Teachers are our very own Spiderman, Batgirl, Iron Man, Wonder Woman, Captain America, Shaktimaan, Shakti, Harry Potter, Super Girl, Percy Jackson and Katniss Everdeen(sometimes they might look like those too). They are rockstars,superstars,dancers and the leading members of the “future” council of the country. They are Mitsee to us Shinchans,they are Doraemon to us Nobitas.

Sometimes I feel that we are like untamed, wild animals and teachers are civilized humans who tame us. They mould clay-like students into sculptures; they cook raw-vegetable-like students to make perfectly cooked sabji. They turn spare parts into complete machines. They are the directors of a movie called- A Student’s life.

We make their lives tough by all our masti**. We behave like purple minions from “Despicable Me 2”, we trouble them, we make their lives miserable, and we are the reason for their stress. This teacher’s day, I just request you all to give our teachers the respect they deserve. Their stories, confusing questions, immense knowledge, surprises, calculations, jokes, crystal clear explanation, and inspiring speeches aren’t easy. Not everyone gets such cool, awesome, fantastic, lovely mentors.

So friends let us do our little bit for them...nothing big and unachievable just small deeds like listening to them, being regular with our work, respecting them and above all grooming ourselves to be good individuals whom they can be proud off. Be like your inspiration!  A very happy teacher’s day to all our terrific teachers!

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*saas-bahu: typical indian serials about mother-in-laws and daughter-in-laws

**masti- mischief