A Puneri Monsoon

The sound of pitter patter. Somehow, I am used to it now. The unending raindrops fall on the AC vent, and produce an irritating tap-tap-tap background music. I have no idea how I manage to sleep every night even with this not-so pleasing sound ringing in my ears. Ultimately, it does wake me up in the mornings.

All I have ever associated monsoons with is pakodas, Maggie and soup. The raindrops happen to remind me only of the Chak dhoom dhoom chak or the last scene in Wake Up Sid. Mumbai ka monsoon is so romanticised in movies that one considers it nothing short of a paradise. But the truth is, Maharashtra rains are nothing more than loud horns, unexpected lightning and chikhat. Ofcourse, there used to be a time these monsoons used to bring with them a beautiful green cover. But the virgin green ghats are now so popular that one sees more people than trees, and more butta waste than waterfalls.

I have never been a monsoon person. Except the mitti ki Khushboo, there’s literally nothing I cherish much about the season. I still remember back in school how we had to cancel our games periods or assemblies for the sake of monsoons. All sulky faces. Then that continuous rainfall. There was laziness and lethargy all around. Sometimes I was even too lazy to even remove the umbrella from my bag, so didn’t mind getting wet.

Those lovely childhood days are long gone when we used to dance in the rain, get our hair wet and then shake our heads to sprinkle that water on our friends. In this era of acid rains, we hardly see any kids creating those memories. Guess they’ll never know the pleasure of dancing on Barso re megha megha in full Aishwarya-Rai style with the incessant rains.

And now these college days. Walking 500m to the rickshaw stands with thick raindrops falling on my head. Just to find out that all the rickshwalas are either tucked away in their rajais at home or taking some other passenger. So I just wave my hand in the air like a dancer to catch a rickshaw. After some 5 minutes of the continuous action of staring at my watch and then staring again at the road, I get a rick. Then with that jhatak  scarf of mine wrapped around my tiny head, I venture on this hawadar  journey to college. I used to shiver or even try to wipe the water droplets around me earlier. But with time, I learnt to be so engrossed in my music that I’m not bothered by either the wind or the rain.

Then after reaching college, you are quite likely to see a girl squeezing her t-shirt or even her hair to drain out the water. Thank you two-wheelers, get your raincovers asap. Once this nichodna process is done, they just cover themselves up in a scarf or a jacket and somehow survive in the kadakti thand of the college hawa all day. We all somehow hibernate (with our eyes open) throughout the lectures, and then just wake up during the break to stuff our mouths with a huge variety of dishes. Most of the last lectures are bunked, to avoid the evening traffic.

And the return journey is the most entertaining part ever. After bargaining on the atrocious prices stated by the rickshwalas, I finally get one and go back. For a few minutes, the roads are all jolly and empty even despite all the rains. But after a bit, they get inspired by the Mutha river nearby and begin their water-clogging antics. So my rickshaw goes like some superb Fast and Furious car, splashing water on the faces of all the nearby 2-wheeler walas. Then I reach this signal which is infamous for the tremendous traffic. For the next 15 minutes or so, I just enjoy the symphony of raindrops, horns and beggars saying please didi. Mixing these with the miscellaneous songs played by the truck-walas, and Kuhad’s cold/mess, trust me the overall outcome is highly interesting.

At last, I reach home, wash my face and start thoosna. Then all the tensions of the whole wide day are all forgotten.

Honestly, this tension, these irritating drops aren’t that annoying anymore. I am quite used to them now, and am starting to like them really. I guess we are all plants at the end, taking in the different sized raindrops of situations and blooming with flowers at the end.

The Battle of Streamipath- 1

Humanities and Commerce are walking together in the park of education. Humanities is in a typical traditional attire of sari and bindi, whereas commerce is wearing a suit and tie.

Commerce: Arrey Arts! You’re shining too bright nowadays yaar! The 12^th toppers for the last 2 years have been from Arts only!

Humanities: Commerce! I have told you so many times! Its not Arts, its Humanities! The other two streams, you and that Chatur Science have such complex names, why should I be stuck with this stupid 4-letter word, haan?  Anyways, this victory isn’t mine, its ours , over that stupid science.

Rajnikanth music plays in the background. Science enters in the attire of Superman with black goggles, and puts them on in Rajnikanth style. Instead of the Superman logo, his costume has the face of Einstein on it.

Commerce: Aiyo rama. Logic ke chakkar mein science forgot that the underwear goes under the clothes. That’s why its called an underwear! Incase he’s planning to use it as a marketing strategy, Science ji, nobody is going to buy an underwear with Einstein drawn on it.

Science: You Commerce! You see how I switch off all the computers during your marketing meeting. You are nothing without me! I’m the best! I’m invincible! I’m Thanos! *evil laughter*

Humanities: Do you even know who Thanos is? I thought you didn’t get time to watch movies.

Science: He’s some superhero na? I bet he is so powerful just because his name rhymes with cosmos! I told you na, I rock!

Commerce: Hey Ram, this person is as Chatur as Chatur from 3 idiots.

Science: No beta, I’m Rancho.

Humanities: Did you know that Ranchi is the capital of Jharkhand?

Commerce: The mines in Jharkhand will yield me so much profit! Humanities, partnership  mein business karegi?

Humanities: Well, I’ll have to see its historical background for that.

Science: Hahaha, bola tha na. You can’t even do your mining without my technology.

Humanities: As if you can pick your mining site without looking at the geographical factors. Matlab kuch bhi bolta hai.

Commerce: But whatever said and done, bechara Science suffers the most.

Science: I refuse to believe such hypothesis which has not been proved by mathematical means. I require formulas to prove the same.

Commerce: Chalo, take simple statistics, 60% of India’s engineers are unemployed.

Science: Since RHS is not equal to LHS, I do not accept these facts.

Humanities: Bhai, MBAs also only 7% are employed.

Commerce: Oye Humanities, what about those politicians indulging in corruption and all, haan? Aren’t they doing ‘socially irrelevant stuff’?

Humanities: Half of the politicians are uneducated.

Commerce: All I know is that Rahul Gandhi has a degree in International Relations.

Commerce goes to Science and hugs him. Goes behind and winks.

Science: Commerce, what was the aim of your experiment?

Commerce: To prove that Arts isn’t as “humanities” as she says.

Humanities: Vah vah, so much stats and information. But don’t forget my dear, even Modi has an MA degree.

Science: But best was Kalam. ‘Cause he had a science degree.

Humanities: But he respected all the streams. Science, seekh unse kuch.

Commerce: If he can do it, why can’t we?

…….to be continued

School in swarg Part 2

Shiv ji entered. The bang was the sound of his familiar damroo. Ah, it was khel class after all. Ghatotkach did not exactly appreciate this physical training. He and Ganesh were perhaps the only vidyarthi in class who did not enjoy playing a variety of games. It made them hungry.

Nevertheless, that day they played gulli danda and went for a quick jog around the swargiya school campus. Soon, the moment Ghatotkach was waiting for arrived. Khel class got over. As he entered the class, he saw Lakshmi devi  smile at him. It was angrezi class now. Lakshmi devi adorned almost every ornament that had been made on bhulok. Her saree was a bright golden one and her face shone like a platinum ring. Lakshmi devi was perhaps the only teacher who actually seemed to like him. She was a symbol of money, and nowadays at swarglok, the gateway to a good job (and hence money) was angrezi. He smiled back at her. Angrezi class went smoothly. They learnt the story of samudra manthan.

Next up was ganit class. Ghatotkach sighed. He didn’t really like seeing Brahma ji’s uncountable heads. Brahma ji was full of wisdom, heads and ganit formulas. The problem was that Ghatotkach comprised of ladoos, kachoris and samosas. Life was tough for poor Ghatotkach. Brahma ji  began with the formula of how a human being is actually made in swarg lok. Ghatotkach, however, couldn’t concentrate. His emotions right now were messed up. He was happy as it was the last class for the day. He was sad as well because after school, he would have to encounter the wrath of Indra ji.

Ghatotkach’s mind began to oscillate like a pendulum. To calm his mind, he gulped some rasgullas, thus depicting his great talent of eating sumptuous meals without the knowledge of the guru. His mind finally stopped. Brahma ji had asked him the formula to calculate the area of a human head. He scratched his head in despair. He didn’t even know the slightest thing about a human head. All he knew was that he would run a successful restaurant in the future. There was no use calculating area of human heads!

He got a lovely slap on his face from his dearest Brahma ji.  He ignored the pain and chomped some more rasgullas to hide his pain. Brahma ji continued his ganit and Ghatotkach continued ignoring. Finally, the class got over and Brahma ji left.

Ghatotkach prepared himself for Indra’s torture. He was habitual to such torture. He walked out of the school and went towards Indra’s mansion.

  

School in swarg Part 1

So, it has been a year since I have been blogging. For my 1^st year anniversary, I will be re writing some of my old articles. I didn’t post this weekend, because this article needed time.  So, here’s Swarg in school with a twist. Apologies for the delay! Hope you enjoy the article!

  “Indra ji! Indra ji!” Vishnu exclaimed. Indra picked a fruit from the Kalpavriksha. He turned slowly, and murmured under his breath, “Opening a school in Swarg was the worst thing I ever did. Being a principal has really snatched away my privacy.” Then, stroking Airavats milk-like white skin, Indra replied in an uninterested tone, “What is it Vishnu?” Vishnu, used to the varying moods of Indra, replied calmly, “This Ghatotkach doesn’t seem to understand that Sudarshan chakra sliced Shishupal’s head because it was a blade, and not some idiotic rubber toy. His mischief is unstoppable! Hamara suna ansuna kar deta hai, mahodaya ji. All teachers have a problem with him. ” Ghatotkach glanced at Vishnu, and thought, “ I remember that we learnt something about the Sudarshan chakra, but what was it? Urgh, I keep forgetting half of the stuff we learn in school.” His thoughts were interrupted by a ignorant Indra, “Fine. Arrange a meeting with all the teachers and this little mischief-maker. Now go and teach vigyaan Vishnu ji.” Vishnu left, feeling assured. He could finally switch his thoughts from Ghatotkach to the working of the brahmastra.

 Ghatotkach sighed. His fat-bellied, chubby yet adorable physique needed at least 100 plums per day. He was dieting after all. He had unfortunately missed his lunch break. Now he was really annoyed at the very thought of seeing his teachers who were Gods and Goddesses in reality. His father, the great Bheem, kept giving him his advice which was enlightened with wisdom. He was told to feel privileged to be a part of this prestigious institution. But all he could feel was lazy and hungry.  He wanted to be normal. This whole godliness had overpowered his happy-go lucky life.

He walked beside Vishnu, with Vishnu blabbering something and Ghatotkach ignoring it. Soon, they saw a neatly painted, clean and tidy, three-storeyed building. It was surrounded by bright blue clouds and was floating on the cotton-like clouds. A chariot stood before them. They sat on the bright yellow chariot which had ‘Swarg ka vidyalay’ written on both sides in bold black. Ghatotkach let out a disgusted look.

After climbing one complete floor and walking for about 500 steps, Ghatotkach reached his class as tired as a koala bear and perspiring heavily. He saw Ganga devi in class, teaching a Hindi lesson. She was teaching sandhi, and as usual, no one was paying attention. Hindi was a neglected subject at school. No one exactly cared about Ganga devi. They thought that since she had got really popular in bhulok, she had started over-acting lately. Ghatotkach sat, his hands on his head. Suddenly, he heard a bang…………………………..

(To be continued)

   

If Ashoka was Egyptian

Egyptian history is among the most interesting ones in the world. After reading about the various miracles that these people did in the past, one gets awestruck! After seeing the various monuments in this wondrous country, and after reading a bit about the history of these, I have decided to twist history a bit for this article.

I have written articles that have described my absurd idea of some famous international personalities being Indian. Today, I am going to twist it a little. So let’s see how Ashoka would be if he was Egyptian.

First, let’s go through some statistics. Ashoka’s reign started in 272 BCE. Ptolemy II Philadelphus was his contemporary Egyptian pharaoh. This pharaoh belonged to the same dynasty as the famous Cleopatra, and was half- Greek. In fact, he is mentioned in one of Ashoka’s edicts.

During Ashoka’s times, Egypt followed a religion that comprised of polytheistic beliefs. Many Gods were worshipped. Unlike India, where various religions were followed, only this religion was followed in whole of Egypt. So if Ashoka was Egyptian, we would see him worshipping Gods like Osiris, Ra, Isis, Horus, Anubis, Thoth, Sobek, Noot, Iris and many more. Ashoka would possibly not be the king who propagated Buddhism to various parts of the world.

Also, in ancient Egypt, the king was considered the son of God, and sometimes God himself. He was considered a living form of Osiris, the son of Amun-Ra (king of Gods). Some kings were even worshipped and temples were built in their remembrance. Perhaps we would see a temple dedicated to Ashoka.

Ashoka wore something that was similar to a dhoti. We wore a turban or pagdi and wore various ornaments. He had shoulder-length hair. If he was Egyptian, his ensemble was subject to change. Egyptian pharaohs used to put a false beard to highlight their manliness. Their heads used to have a huge crown.  They wore a bottom similar to a petticoat that Indian women wear. Sometimes they wore a kalsiris, which was basically a large piece of cloth, worn with or without a gown. It was draped in many ways. Even they wore a couple of ornaments.

Egyptian pharaohs had a desire to expand their kingdom and to conquer new territories. Ashoka wanted to make peace with the surrounding areas and not conquer the areas. Perhaps Ashoka might not be as peace-abiding as we see him now if he was Egyptian.

I think that it would be great to imagine Ashoka to be Egyptian, but if all this was real, our country would lose one of its greatest kings.

I hope you all enjoyed this article.

The serial cycle

So, I didn’t post my article last week. Where was Bharatiya Chokri? Well, I was at a MUN conference. Sorry for the delay, but here you go:

Now, you all know that I hate daily soaps. All these shows have this typical story. So here I come, ready to describe the story of a daily soap through various steps:

1)    Mulaakat: The protagonists meet each other at this stage. Their relationship at this stage is karele jaisa kadva. They hate each other, but coincidently (or rather by the command of the producers) they keep clashing into each other. Either of them has this best friend with him/her. This best friend acts as a messenger of love and tries to light the spark between the two.

2)    Pyaar toh hon hi tha: Movies and serials put this perception in our minds about opposites being attracted to each other. That’s what happens here. So their karele jaisi kadvi relationship turns into rasgulle jaisi meethi. They fall in love. Now, whenever they meet, this irritating music plays which frustrates the viewer by its repetitive nature. The protagonists keep looking into one another’s eyes and voh aankhon mein aankhein daalte hai. One of them finally does pyaar ka izhaar and the other accepts the love.

3)    Tsunami:- So now we have a problem. Either the parents don’t accept, or the protagonists suddenly change their minds, or the vamp poisons their minds or the worst- they marry some other person accidently.

4)    Shaadi:- After climbing Mt.Everest, these protagonists finally reach the peak. They finally get married, either by running away or solving the other issues. Their marriage is this extravagant affair which basically takes up half the money of the producer. The heroine wears a designer lehenga ( even if she is poor) and the hero wears a flashy pagdi. All rasams take place. People dance on Bollywood songs which start playing from nowhere. The family faces some random issue at this time also. These issues include a disliking to the color of the heroine’s lehenga, to the groom’s mother’s father’s brother not being able to attend the meeting.

5)    Nirvana:-Everything is blissful. This stage lasts for 1 episode.

6)    Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi:- The kitchen politics begins. The hero and heroine, along with the infamous saas are shown practically jobless and basically are just interested in plotting against each other. They practically go to any hadh to destroy each other’s happiness. The hero basically stands between the heroine and saas and keeps wondering what to do.

7)    Lut gaye:- Some tragedy strikes. The eternal lovers break their ever-lasting bond and start hating each other. They have this ghrina in their minds towards each other.

8)    Leap:- So after this tragedy, a leap takes place. Their kids grow up. They have separated now and live different lives, trying to forget the past. But the kids help them to rekindle their love.

9)    Action Replay:- All this stuff keeps going on and on till their kids become the protagonists and their story begins which is again a repetition of this cycle.

Hope you all enjoyed this article!! I would like to thank my dear friend Maha (who watches 10 serials per day) for helping me with this article.

Dhal gaya din

Getting off the bed in winter is one of the toughest jobs on this Earth. Unfortunately, 5 days of the week are working. So, what is our condition on each day of the week? Let’s find out!

1)    Monday: Dude, nobody really likes you, so just get out of our lives and leave us alone. After a week of chilling out, we’re back to work. We feel as if this Monday is a vampire aur hamara khoon choos raha hai.  Mondays are like green leafy vegetables. We really don’t want them.

2)    Tuesday: Okay week, you have arrived, I’ve started accepting. We are at this stage when we are starting to accept the fact that we’re at work and we really need to gear up and pull up our socks. We are like this pendulum hanging at its mean position, ready to move to the extremes.

3)    Wednesday- Yeah, I’ve accepted it. We’ve finally accepted the fact that the week has begun. It’s like entering a new school and finally accepting the fact that you have adjusted well. Wednesday is the kuch meetha ho jaaye day as acceptance is an achievement and deserves something sweet.

4)    Thursday- You’re about to end! You tell the week that you are pretty happy about the fact that it is about to end. The acceptance that you had the previous day has vanished and formed water droplets. The mind is just waiting for the next day to end so that you can actually stand on the bed and dance.

5)    Friday- You dance to the beats of Thank God Its Friday. You make your hair brush your mike and sing in the most besurili awaaz possible. Your hair looked shabby and uncombed and you’re clad in just your boxer shorts and favorite t-shirt. You eat all the stuff that you can.

6)    Saturday- Tum itna jo muskura rahe ho is the perfect tagline for this day. We dance, party, sleep, eat, watch movies, shop and just go pagal. We watch our favorite Kapil Sharma Show or Bigg Boss or Indian idol or any other show and sleep. Our snores are the loudest on this day.

7)    Sunday- Weekend, I need another day. You really don’t believe how this weekend just evaporated into thin air. You mentally prepare yourself for the next day by eating extra ice cream tubs to decrease your depression.

So this was how condition usually is on each day of the week. Thanks to my lovely friend, Srija who gave me the idea of this article. It’s her birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY PARNIKA SRIJA AKA DORY!!!!! 

Katti-batti

Childhood is undoubtedly the best part of life. Our lives are like cupcakes and childhood is the icing on it. Childhood is all about fun and friendship. Girl-boy, Hindu-Muslim, dark-fair, all were friends. We were not bound in the chains of society at that time and were like free birds flying around and expressing joy at every moment. Friendship was, or perhaps is, that pinch of masalas in a subji (our lives) that makes it flavorful. It is like amrit as it keeps the life in us alive. Our friends are some sort of superheroes who rescue us from the monster of solitude. Friends always give us a shoulder to cry, a reason to laugh and a suitcase of unforgettable memories.

My friends are my life. I love them a lot! So let’s dive into the world of friendship and discover the different stages of friendship we had as kids. So Annie, Pallu,Vidhz,Shapri,Gauri,Avi,Dishu,Maha,Madhu,Shreya,Srija,Soumya,Gullu,Tanu,Dibya,Isha,Sid,Ronit,Dhruv,Yash,Shreyash,my sad unicorn Shruti, Tina,Ila, Wagisha and my dear sis Stuti, this one’s for you.

1)    Stage 1: Mujhse Dosti Karoge? - This is the introduction to the new friend. As kids, we are usually very shy. So we talk in this shy tone and ask the new friend’s name. I remember how I met my bestie, Annie. Our society sandpit has a red slide. The environment was lonely. I was coming down the slide and Annie was coming up. She asked my name and I asked hers. We were really shy at that time so we reluctantly told our names. And that incident began a tale of endless friendship.

2)    Stage 2: Show off! - I made a new friend! Isn’t it exciting? I need to tell the world! As kids, making new friends was a big deal. So, if some kid made a new friend, they would make sure that the world got to know about it. To show off, we used to hold our new friend’s hand and roam the world with them. We would have this expression on our face which would signal the spectator to ‘see’ my new friend.

3)    Stage 3: Katti! - The petty fights during childhood led to katti-batti. We used to fight for any random reason. Friendship of many years, friendship that we showed off was broken in a fraction of seconds due to reasons unknown to anyone. As kids, if I and Annie were left in the same room, we would surely come out with a fight. I remember Avi used to take katti if we asked her to take the den during Hide-and-Seek.  Gauri used to cry like a kid every second minute. She took katti and used to cry even if a person forgot to say ‘hi’ to her. I remember once Gauri and Shapri had pretended to take katti for what seemed like forever. Me and Annie went berserk and forced these dramebaaz to lift the curtain from their naatak. All this definitely sounds stupid now, but that’s how we were then.

4)    Stage 4: Batti! - A smile bloomed on our faces during this stage. A while after katti, we used to take our index and middle fingers, put them together kiss them and join them to the other person’s fingers so that we would break the curse of katti. Avi used to take batti when she was told to hide instead of seek. Stuti, I and Annie were like 3 idiots during childhood. So the system was that when Annie spent more time with Stuti, I’d take katti. When Annie would spend more time with me, Stuti would take katti. And when Stuti spent more time with me, Annie would take katti. So due to this system, it was really rare that all of us took batti.

5)    Stage 5: Always!- This stage comes after a series of katti-batti incidents, introduction to new friends, etc. If you can survive all the previous stages various times, you reach this stage. This is a stage of true friendship which will last forever, how much ever we fight, we remain friends forever.

I hope you enjoyed this article and could relate to all the stages. I am sure you must have experienced them.

Queens of India

Our sex ratio is 943 per 1000 females. We usually love to gossip, follow the latest fashion trends and use make up. We strive for independence. Our world is limited to the house. There we are! The women of this cultured country, striving to break this society and enter one of liberty and happiness.

The saying ‘unity in diversity’ definitely hold true for our country. The way our country is diverse, even the women of our country are. So, let’s discover this diversity among Indian women today:

1)    Speed Post:  The world knows them, but they know the world better. Gossip is their soul. Gossip, apart from daily soaps, is a vital source of Vitamin E (entertainment) for them. Even when they are away on a tour, they make it their business to poke their nose in other’s business. They add extra mirch-masala to the gossip. They gossip about everything; T.V. serials, their daughter-in-laws, others daughter-in-laws, how short random people’s skirts are, about aaj kal ki ladkiyan etc. They have this typical tone of talking, with stressing on specific words. They talk nonsense at time and could be irritating at times as well.

2)    Baby Lips: Beauty is their life and make up their occupation. They have lipstick, eyeliner, blush, lip gloss, eye shadow, lip liner, mascara and a lot more on their faces even when they go for a morning walk or even when they go to drop their kids to school. They are more made up than the actresses on daily soaps. Their stock of makeup is never-ending and perhaps more than that in a makeup store. They have a perception that makeup makes you beautiful. So they fill their faces with makeup and wait to look beautiful.

3)    Om Jai Jagdish Hare: Pooja path is what they love. They are the ones who keep upvaas and are devoted to God all the time. They usually do not eat non-veg food. They fast almost every day. Their devotion towards the Almighty is in the form of Bhajan every day, with a pooja ki thali in their hands. Their house will usually have a huge temple. A pandit will be called monthly, and a regular puja will be done on a regular basis. All sorts of bhajans are known to them. They do not come near God with their chappals on or without bathing. A lot of women under this category are senior citizens. They are Bhagvan ki bhakti mein doobi hui.

4)    Womeedrom: ‘Womeendrom’ is basically a combination of ‘women’ and ‘freedom’. So these are the free women of India. They strive to make a change, aspire to establish equality and break societal norms. They wear short clothes, are independent. They contribute to the Gross Domestic Product. Sometimes, they are paid less than men, but their dedication is way more than men. The Indian society condemns them, but they don’t really care. All they care about is their goal. They do all that men do. It isn’t essential that they are good at cooking or other household chores for that matter. When the society back-bitches about them, they just let out a smile. I love this category and aspire to be a part of it.

5)    Silent sufferers: Women suffer a lot. Be it stereotypes, discrimination, sexual harassment, social taboos, human trafficking, eve teasing, ragging, family pressure, society pressure, dowry, domestic violence, child marriage, female infanticide, bride burning, women are victims of everything. The women in this category face it all, but emerge as winners. They suffer silently. They are undoubtedly the bravest.

The Indian killing machine

I have been obsessed with Adolf Hitler lately.  I was introduced to Hitler in the second chapter of my History textbook this year. I was in awe of
 the aura of World War II. Everything about the war fascinated me, but this monster called Hitler has been draining all my energy for the past few months. All I can think about is possibilities of different Hitler theories. I guess the thing that fascinated me the most about Hitler was this question: How did an aspiring artist turn into a killing machine?

For the past few months, I have been reading Mein Kampf and Hitler’s last day: Minute by minute. Apart from this, I Google every new thing I discover about Hitler. I aspire to be a historian, and this takes me closer to my goal.

So all this research work led to the birth of a crazy thought: What if Hitler was Indian? My previous article on such lines, ‘What if Greg Heffley was Indian?,’ was appreciated by a lot of people. So why not bring out the crazy possibilities and change in the course of history if the most famous killing machine of all times is turned Indian?

Historically, if Hitler was an Indian, India would have a conflict between two personalities with extremely different views. Our Bapu would have non-violent, equality, truthful views, but Hitler’s views would be full of inequality, racism, violence, etc. So historically if Hitler was Indian, it would be tough for India to get independence.

Now let’s come to the imaginative part. Just imagine Hitler in kurta-pyjama with a teeka on his forehead. I was just wondering, if Hitler became popular, he’d start a brand. Perhaps, like Patanjali, we would get Nazi dant kanthi. Just think of Hitler speaking Hindi and endorsing his brand on the radio. His brand, Nazi could be a big hit. He might start speaking at gatherings and perhaps become a philosopher. He might make some Indians embrace Nazism.

Hitler, as a popular Indian, he might surely be a part of a Bollywood film or Hindi daily soap. We never know, Hitler could be a superstar like Raj Kapoor or Rajesh Khanna!

Hitler might also turn into a baba like Baba Ramdev. Just think of him with a long beard, saffron robe and chest hair with a packet of Nazi noodles in his hand.

It was Karva Chauth last week. All I could do is laugh as I imagined Eva Braun keeping this fast. Braun married Hitler just a day before they both committed suicide on 30^th April, 1945. But they were in a relationship for 14 years. So I wouldn’t be surprised if my history textbook would have a picture of Eva Braun in a saree waiting for the moon to appear and later doing Hitler’s puja with Nazi agarbatti and Nazi kum-kum.

I am sure we all would enjoy studying Hitler’s history if he was Indian, but Hitler was the Fuhrer of Germany. The world hated him. But imagination doesn’t see hatred.  

An Indian Hitler is definitely a crazy idea.

Dear exam,

Exams are driving me so crazy that I am writing a letter to exam to get over my frustration.

Dear Exam,

                   This is to inform you that you need to die soon. I wish I was one of the Gods who could give you a shrap* and condemn you to hell. I’d love to make your pakodas** and fry you in hot oil. I hate you. You are the most frustrating, merciless, irritating thing I have come across (after the scrappy sister). You are worse than Hitler, Gabbar, Mogambo,Kancha Cheena,Shakaal, Rafal and Voldemort. All students hate you dude! Don’t you feel ashamed? Go into hiding!

You are like trial by fire. You are like the horrible movie Happy New Year. You are like a saas*** and we are the bahus****. If we students find you some day, you will be murdered brutally. I am giving you useful advice, hide somewhere and leave us alone.  You live your life and let us live ours.

I just want to ask you these questions:

• ·       Do you want to study about the latitudinal extent of the non-existing Lilliput island?
• ·       Do you want to study for 10 hours a day?
• ·       Do you want to study 4 and 3 subdivisions of 2 subjects and mix them up in your head?
• ·       Do you want to sacrifice your favorite “Torture” show for yourself?
• ·       Do you want only an hour's sleep a day?
• ·       Do you want to dance and look like a psychopathic patient affected by you?
• ·       Do you want to sing exam anthems?

I am sure the answer must be no. Just accept the fact that nobody likes you and just get a spaceship and run away to Mars!

Run or die.

Tortured and sick of you,

Aastha

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*shrap- curse

**pakodas- a fried indian delicacy

***saas-mother-in-law

****bahu- daughter-in-law

The Exam Anthems

Exams are the most horrible moments in a student’s life. They make us feel like we are about to vomit. On the other hand, everyone loves music. It is a relief from the typical exam timetable. So whenever you feel frustrated, turn to these songs to express your stress. These are the “exam anthems”:

1)   Ratta maar: This means ‘mugging up’ all the exam information. This song from ‘Student of the Year’ tells the way a student learns his/her chapters. ‘Ratta maarke’ we learn the chapters for the sake of exams. But it leaves our mind the moment after exams.

2)   Pareshaan: The chorus of this song where ‘pareshaan’ means ‘worry’ is synonymous with a student’ mind during exams. We are ‘pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan, pareshaan’. Pareshaan is THE word for our plight during exams.

3)   Pyaar hume kis mod pe le aaya: (Just replace pyaar with exams) So this song is applicable during exams. Our heart goes “haaye” and we are like ’koi ye bataye’ (tell me the answer!) when we see the question paper. When I see a question paper and I don’t know an answer, this song echoes in my head.

4)   Tadap tadap (Just replace pyaar with exam,again) Our heart says ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ and exam feels like a ‘saza’ (punishment). It feels as if we have done some ‘gunah’ (crime) and exams steal all our relief. It feels like we have done a crime in our past life and are paying for our sins.

5)   Ye dosti hum nahi todenge: (we won’t break this friendship). This song deals with the eternal, immortal and (unfortunately) never-ending friendship of tension and exams.

So these are my ‘exam anthems’. Hope you enjoy singing them. 

   

Emotional atyachaar

For Indians, daily soaps are all about drama, bizarre stuff and plots and intrigues. Most Indian daily soaps are pathetic. If you are a civilized, literate person who has a brain, you would never understand these shows. I don’t watch these daily soaps; I read the newspaper for the updates.  

Recently, at school, we were discussing on daily soaps. That’s when I thought of this article. I visited my nani’s* place recently, and she is addicted to these daily soaps. 6 to 10 in the evening she is glued to the television. I really got a headache looking at those shows. God knows how people watch these shows.

The worse of the lot are Hindi shows. What I mean to say is, for TRPs, they turn their female protagonists to houseflies! Isn’t that really stupid?

Well, I might criticize these daily soap addicts, but I really love one of the shows. It is a really different show with a new concept. It’s a bi-lingual show. It has both Marathi and Hindi. It’s called Kahe diya Pardes. I absolutely love that show! I love criticizing daily soaps but this one’s really awesome. What I mean to say is, there are few good daily soaps as well, where there is minimal drama, the makers have common sense and the shows are relatable.

This article is basically an attempt to express my dislike towards the daily dramas. When I use the word “drama”, I mean it. I just want to spread the message that some shows show all sort of nonsense and we shouldn’t encourage this nonsense. Acting is an art. So the 5 most irritating things about daily soaps for me are:

1)    Bizarre creatures: This is basically the addition of supernatural creatures. Addition of gorillas, naagins, nevlas, daayans, **tigers, ghosts, buffaloes, etc is included here. This is kind of stupid as it makes the show from a show that is supposed to be relatable to a Conjuring-kind-of show.

2)    The three repetitions: When a dialogue is “crucial”, it is repeated thrice. There is no wall in their houses which produces echo. Where does that come from? Also, when these sounds repeat, the family members’ faces are shown. They always bear the same shocked expression. If you click a picture each time the repetition takes place, it’d be the same each time.

3)    Change in scene: When the male protagonist is going to tell his dil ki baat ***to the female protagonist, the scene suddenly shifts to what his mother is making for dinner. I mean, who will show an interest in that? (Some foodies like me might)

4)    Stuff devoid common sense: This includes all the stuff like the bahus**** and saas***** going to bed with a dollop of makeup, characters coming back to life, fake marriages,rebirths,characters not aging etc.

5)    Women are shown weaker: In most shows, women sit at home decked up in 24 carat jewels. They have little say in house matters. They are practically jobless and all do is plot against each other. There are few women who work in shows though, like Gauri from Kahe Diya Pardes.

Thank you for reading this article, hope you enjoyed!

P.S.: These are my views. I do not intend to hurt anyone’s sentiments about daily soaps.

 

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*nani's - mother's mother's

**naagins, nevlas, daayans - snakes,mongooses,witches

*** dil ki baat -(here) that he loves her

****bahus - sister-in-laws

*****saas- mother-in-law

The Class

I am a huge foodie, so school usually reminds me of my friends’ lunchboxes.  Food reminds me of my classmates. Classmates remind me of memories. Our vacations are going on, so I am missing my school buddies a lot.

Each class is special and I am sure everyone has that one year in that class which they never forget. Classes change with time. Some are horrible, some are the best, some are fine, some are mad and some are naughty. But each class has something in common. These are those people who make our year eventful. These are those few unique people who make us remember that year. These people leave an impact on us. This article is dedicated to these very people.

1)   The Nemesis: They are your arch-rivals. You just hate each other even though you don’t have a proper reason for it. You can’t stand the sight of each other. You spoil each other’s year and just hope you aren’t with each other next year. You just tolerate each other somehow.

2)   The teddy bear: You love to pull this person’s cheeks, you keep cuddling them. You love hugging them and putting your arm around their shoulder. You miss them their cheeks the most next year. You miss their maa ke haath ka khana.

3)   The bestie: Your class might be horrible, but there will definitely be one person who you will confide in. This person will be your best friend. They know everything about you. They know how many times you have wet the bed as a kid, all your secrets and embarrassing things. They never leave your side and always think of your welfare. They have seen all your moods, angry, happy, sad, depressed, crazy, mad, junglee.

4)   The partner: Everyone has a partner in school, the person whom they sit with. This partner could be annoying, funny, irritating, jovial, wonderful, good, excellent, and nice, your Nemesis, or even your best friend. If even one of the “good adjectives” can be used to describe your partner, then you form a really special bond with them. They trouble you, have some awkward habits, but slowly you get used to them. The bond you share with them is like what you share with your siblings. You know them the most. You know their crazy habits, their past, their strengths, weaknesses, etc.

5)   The joker: They are the funniest of the lot. They have signature jokes and moves. They literally make you fall off your chair, laughing.  You tell them that they should be a part of “The Kapil Sharma Show”.

The different kinds of people in a class are all extremely different .But they all have their own charm and create memories for you. So kudos to The Class!

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*maa ke haath ka khana- food made by their mother